EVERYONE handles grief differently. The mother of 11-year-old Mohd Thaqif Amin Mohd Gaddafi can’t bring herself to cook as every dish is a reminder of how much her son loved her cooking.

The father of the religious school pupil, who died after being allegedly beaten by an assistant warden, is planning to study to be a hafiz because that was his son’s ambition.

Thaqif’s four siblings have a different mechanism to deal with the loss – they spend time remembering the past.

It has been more than a month since Thaqif’s death but the family cannot find closure, not as long as the alleged killer walks free, and the religious school where he was abused thrives.

The suspect, a 29-year-old assistant warden at the religious school Madrasah Tahfiz Al-Jauhar in Johor, was released on bail earlier this month after a Sessions court judge ruled there was insufficient evidence to continue detaining him.

Police assurances that they are intensifying their investigation into the suspect’s role in Thaqif’s death have done little to soothe the pain and anger felt by his family.

“I would be lying if I told you that I’m not angry. My mouth may say it, but only Allah will know my heart,” said Thaqif’s mother, 40-year-old Felda Wani Ahmad.

“If this assistant warden escapes justice, he will only escape his punishment here on earth. He cannot run away from it in the afterlife.”

Felda said while she would find it extremely difficult to meet the suspected killer of her son face-to-face, his silence and apparent lack of remorse over his alleged actions have made the process of moving on hard.

“Shouldn’t he feel guilty and remorseful enough to want to meet me or my husband, to say sorry?

“Even if he cannot face us, surely a representative from his family should come and meet us.”

Felda said her four remaining children constantly reminisce about their brother but she is trying hard to forget the memories.

“Till today, I don’t have the strength to cook, because he loved all the dishes I used to make.

“He loves my nasi lemak with chicken and if I cooked that, he would say ‘Mama, when you cook nasi lemak with chicken, it’s so delicious!’,” a tearful Felda told The Malaysian Insight.

Her husband, Mohd Gaddafi Mat Karim, a former Selangor football player, used to play football with Thaqif.

“They were close, like football friends. My husband misses him so much, that he is now trying to become a tahfiz (a person who has memorised fully the Quran) because that was Thaqif’s ambition,” she said.

“I’m at a stage where part of me wants to forget all the memories we had with him, as well as all the pain he had to go through,” said Felda, who is a teacher.

Thaqif’s parents took their son home from the school on March 31 after he complained of being constantly beaten. He alleged that he was abused and tortured by the assistant warden, who would whip the legs with a rubber hose until they turned black and blue.

Thaqif died weeks later from complications while undergoing surgery to amputate both legs which had bacterial infection from the wounds he sustained.

The school’s administration came under scrutiny as to why and how the abuse had gone unnoticed for so long.

The school issued a statement explaining that it had fully cooperated with authorities, and said compassion was the reason it hired the assistant warden with a previous criminal record.

Felda said what made moving on even harder for her was the fact that most parties involved in her son’s death appear to have already moved on themselves, including the school.

According to the school’s principal Mohammad Afdhaluddin Ismail, no parent has removed his child from the school following the incident. In fact, the school has received 10 new registrations.

The new pupils will begin a new chapter in their life after Hari Raya.

‎For Thaqif’s family, moving and closure will only be possible when key questions surrounding the case are answered. – May 25, 2017.