THOSE who know people who have lost a loved one to Covid-19 can play an important role simply by listening to them express their sorrow and refraining from trying to give advice, counsellors said, as the number of daily cases and deaths remain high.

Grieving a death from Covid-19 can be especially hard as the circumstances are made worse by the separation of patients from family, and limitations on funeral services and mourning rites due to movement restrictions.

Counsellor Lee Shae Nee said people surrounding those who are grieving them must learn to listen and understand.

“When witnessing a friend pour out their grief, it will not help if you advise them not to think about it too much. On the contrary, listening quietly is the best care you can give your friend,” Alice said.

Psychologist Alice Lee said another thing to observe for later are signs of emotional pain, as the sadness after a death may not surface so soon.

“It is possible that in the next six months, many will experience emotional problems due to the death of their loved ones,” she told The Malaysian Insight.

“For those who’ve lost a family member to the pandemic, we would not recommend immediate counselling, but to observe them for some time.

“If emotions do not improve, seek help immediately,” Alice said.

Likewise, those who feel their grief is not abating even after a long time, should seek out someone to talk to.

Family members and friends should watch out for this and give space to the grieving person to cry.

“Even in our counselling, we try to involve family members to give support and to listen.

“We don’t ask the grieving person to forget the dead but to slowly learn to let go.

“Crying is also a way to relieve stress. Family members should allow each other to cry as a way of support,” she said.

As of Sunday, Malaysia has had a total of 5,574 deaths from Covid-19. There were more deaths from the pandemic this year than last year, which saw 471 fatalities. In June itself, 2,374 people had died of Covid-19, with health officials attributing the worsening situation to more contagious and virulent virus strains.

An insurance agent, who asked to be identified as Brian, is still grieving for his mother who died of Covid-19 recently.

From hospitalisation to her passing, he was unable to see her.

At the same time, his whole family also became infected by the virus, including his 18-month-old daughter. None of them could organise a proper funeral as they were all in isolation.

Brian said he has not gotten over this fact.

“I can’t describe the pain in my heart. My mother had died. My wife and daughter got infected. I am sad, but I have to be strong because I also need to take care of my family’s health.”

He admitted feeling lost and worried about himself losing control of his emotions. Some friends have advised him to seek counselling.

Alice agreed that deaths caused by Covid-19 can be harder for people to have closure as they are prohibited from paying their final respects, nor can they have close relatives and friends around them to grieve with.

“The pandemic has made it impossible for relatives to say goodbye to their loved ones and this is an indirect cause of post-traumatic stress.

“Many families just cannot imagine how to deal with a death during the pandemic where they cannot pay their last respects.”

Handling grief in children

Children require more understanding as they may not know how to express their grief, Alice added.

They may be feeling fearful, anxious and tense if they have lost a parent to Covid-19, and may exhibit different behaviour patterns.

On either extreme, children might try to behave extra diligently as if to redeem the past, or become negative and withdrawn.

“A family where a parent has died should create a platform for everyone to communicate. Everyone is to speak out and explain the death to the child so that they can understand.

“Therapy for the child can be to draw or read books.

“If the child is quiet and doesn’t display anger, it also doesn’t mean that he or she is okay,” Alice cautioned.

Sometimes, objects and keepsakes can also be used to help children face their grief, such as wearing a bracelet.

If the family follows a religion, it is a good time to affirm religious beliefs to assure the child that the deceased parent still loves them and is in heaven, she added.

Counsellor Shae Nee said one of the strongest feelings a child might feel after losing a parent is a sense of abandonment.

When talking to children and teens, asking questions is a better approach rather than giving advice.

“Try to ask the question that might be in the child’s mind and let the child express themselves. Observe their emotions that underlie their answer. When giving comfort, assure than that they have not been deliberately abandoned by their parents,” Shae Nee said.

If one parent has died, the other parent might find that the child is unwilling to talk.

“Let the child know that the father or mother is sad, too, because the other spouse has gone. When adults share their feelings, children will know that it is alright for them to grieve, too.”

Alice, meanwhile, said people can learn to recognise the five stages of grief in helping a friend or family member cope with loss.

The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

“Pay attention to the stages as otherwise, the person can fall into melancholy and even have thoughts of self-harm or suicide.

“The situation can be worse because of the lockdown due to the pandemic.”

Shae Nee, meanwhile, suggested making more use of technology to help with grief.

Whether this is by organising an online farewell ceremony for people to share their memories of the deceased, or just chit-chat sessions, a platform for people to express themselves is important.

“During the pandemic, people cannot gather for a funeral, but with technology, we can still meet online to release emotions.” – July 7, 2021.