THE social media world has been creating a buzz since a few days ago following the pictures of a self-service launderette in Muar, Johor, which limits its customers to Muslims only, went viral. 

Although many netizens shared plenty of negative thoughts about this matter, fearing it to be yet another attempt by Muslims at being extreme in practicing their religion and discriminating others based on religious backgrounds, the Mufti of Johor Datuk Mohd Tahrir Samsudin however commended the move by the launderette as prioritising cleanliness as per the Islamic beliefs.

As much as my non-Muslim friends are upset following this sensationalised news, I honestly have to agree with the wise Mufti. We Muslims are actually quite lucky to have people like the proprietor of the launderette who is keen on protecting our faith. After all, we Muslims are quite fragile and incapable of protecting our own faith and in great need of others to ensure we are free from anything or anyone who can potentially taint our soul.

In fact, I think someone should give the proprietor of the “halal launderette” a medal – perhaps the next Tokoh Maal Hijrah?

On top of that, I would like to urge the launderette proprietor (and other Muslim entrepreneurs as well) to consider similar (halal) business ventures. I have taken the liberty to list them down here, hoping to inspire them:

▪A Muslims-only restaurant. Restaurants catering for only Muslims, operated by only Muslims, offering only halal food and products and where the entertainment is restricted to hate speeches by Zakir Naik. Customers are segregated according to their gender and utensils are free from being shared with the non-halal saliva of non-Muslims.

▪A Muslims-only private school.  Schools for only Muslim students, taught by Muslim teachers and managed by Muslim staff. The sembahyang hajat replaces daily assemblies and answers to every examination question is “because Allah said so”.

▪A Muslims-only private hospital.  Hospitals employing only Muslim doctors and Muslim nurses while accepting only Muslim patients. Hospital uses only halal treatment comprising of holy water and verses from the holy book and, of course, Muslims-only blood banks.

▪A Muslims-only paying toilet. Toilets with sufficient facilities to wash and clean ones’ bum, instead of the horrendous toilet papers, and catered only for Muslim users so that our halal Muslim bums do not touch the toilet bowl used by un-halal bums of the non-Muslims.

▪A Muslims-only private transportation. Islamic transportation style only for Muslims using camels, horses and donkeys, just like in the days of the Prophet.

Perhaps the government should also look into setting up a Muslims-only neighbourhood, so we Muslims no longer have to be doubtful when inhaling air contaminated with unholy (read unclean) particles exhaled by the non-Muslims, or accidentally touching objects touched by the contaminated hands of the non-Muslim pork eaters and dog lovers.

On second thought, it would be even better if the government could split the country to Muslim states and non-Muslim states, with the Muslims who support secularism and have a good working brain given the option to live in the non-Muslim part of the country.

One important thing though, the Muslim only state shall be run using tax monies from only Muslim tax payers and vice versa.

All these thoughts of halalness seem to have activated my halal cells in my not-so-halal brain, that I can’t help but to come up with yet another amazing halal idea – a halal kit!

Yes! You read it right; a specialised kit to ensure the halalness of everything in the daily life of a Muslim is secured and protected.

This kit which is not available anywhere else in the world shall include:

▪Halal sanitiser. The sanitiser will be made of one part mud, seven parts purified water and scented with ‘minyak attar’. It could be used to spray on anything suspected as non-halal, in order to cleanse and purify it. This includes money, door knob, stationeries, utensils and any shared facilities with the non-Muslims. Heck, you could even spray it on your face in case you’re having a non-halal thought!

▪Halal gloves. This set of gloves are made of 100% authentic rubber, produced by Muslim rubber tappers from estates owned by Muslim owners. This glove shall be used when Muslims are in contact with non-Muslims, such as shaking of hands or giving or receiving things. This glove is reusable upon disinfecting it by spraying some halal sanitiser.

▪Halal blinkers. It allows Muslims to cover their eyes when in contact with anything less halal, such as the sight of individuals with visible aurats.

▪Halal nasal filters. It is used to protect the nostrils of Muslims from inhaling non-halal odours made by non-Muslims, such as scent from their non-halal kitchen or the smell of their non-halal burp and fart.

With the Halal Kit, Muslims sharing space with the non-Muslims no longer have to be doubtful of the halal status of their daily routine and activities.

Brilliant ideas, aren’t they? Ah, no need to thank me for it, I am only carrying out my duty as a Muslim.

Since I am so sure that this kit is going to be a hot seller, I shall start its production soon.

This Halal Kit will be available for online orders for a special price of RM7.86 (GST included). Early birds will even get a free express pass to go to heaven.

Please feel free to leave your orders in the comment section. – September 28, 2017.

* Fa Abdul is a passionate storyteller and a resident agitator of the idiots in society. Well-known for her straight-talking sarcasm and occasional foul mouth, she juggles between her work as a writer, producer and director.

* This is the opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malaysian Insight. Article may be edited for brevity and clarity.